Title: Letters of…
Chapter: …Revelation, Pt 1 The Past (8/27), …Revelation, Pt 2 The Present (9/27), …Discovery (10/27)
Rating: PG, PG, PG maybe PG-13
Feedback: Mys has decided that she actually likes FB, so… constructive crit is fine, just be prepared for Mys to defend/explain her choices, and try not to do any permanent damage, k.
Disclaimer: Just playing with the pretty kittens. Unfortunately, they are not mine, but I will gladly groom and bathe them before sending them back home to Daddy (aka Joss/Mutant Enemy/et al).
Warnings/Squicks: Beware Mys’ bad writing, excessive use of alliteration, wanton use of the term "Xanpet" (though I’d stake Spike before he actually said it out loud, he and my 3rd person omnipotent think it a lot), character death (but it’s canon stuff, none of my own doing)
Summary: Take a witch, a Spike, a Xander and mix well. Add some angst, some schmoop, some sex, an apocalypse, a wee bit more angst, another helping or two of sex, and a sprinkling of bad humour. Bake for 7-8 months at @96.8 degrees (because some of us have naturally lower body temperatures than the rest of you human weirdos, lol).
Pt 1 The Past (8/27)
It was odd. Once they had gotten back to Xander’s things fell into an old routine. Quips and snark about what to watch, whether or not blood was a ‘seasoning’, and whether or not chocolate was a food group flowed as if none of the past six months had happened. Eventually, they settled into a companionable silence as they sprawled across the sofa.
Xander was fighting with himself- he wanted to ask Spike about what happened at the school and about Alyssa, but he didn’t want to push him either; he was enjoying tonight too much. Then again, the way things had been going there wasn’t likely to be any better time. “Spike? Tell me about Alyssa.”
Spike lolled his head back against the sofa and let out an unneeded breath. He’d been wondering when the questions would come and had already decided that Xander deserved the truth. It didn’t mean he was ready for it. Besides, he’d been enjoying this return to normalcy, and once he told Xander the truth he doubted he’d have it again.
Xander spoke before Spike had gotten his mind set. “Don’t worry about it Bloodbreath. Forget I asked.” He made to get up, when a firm hand stopped him.
“No, you deserve to know. Just give me a minute.”
“Yeah, sure, but you really don’t have to…”
Spike rolled his eyes, “Shut it, pet, and sit down.”
Xander did as he was told and Spike plowed on before he could think better of it.
“Alyssa was a witch. Took a fancy to me before I was turned. She had ‘ideas’ about me. Didn’t you read the letters?”
“The ones from the crypt? Nah, thought about it, but decided it was the kinda thing you would do. ’sides didn’t really think it was my place to be that nosey.”
“If Alyssa told you about them then she thinks it’s your place.” He sprung up and grabbed the bundle of letters from the table. Sorting quickly through them he returned to the sofa and handed one of the letters to Xander. “Here, read.”
William, do you remember what I told you that night? That despite all, your life was one of a champion, one of honour. Unfortunately, like the paths of all true champions yours is laden with hurt and sacrifice. Yes, yes, I know you believe the concept of sacrifice is a sign of weakness, especially in a vampire, but you may not always find that so. William, above all else you value love and loyalty, and you know that they require the most sacrifice. You spent most of your life and death being loving and loyal, so you cannot deny what I say is true- you have first hand knowledge of it. Believe me William when I tell you that soon you will find love and loyalty worthy of you. Stay strong, my love.
When Xander finished reading, he met Spike’s gaze. He really didn’t know what to say; though he was beginning to see why Deadboy was so threatened by her.
“I got that one after Dru left,” he handed Xander another letter, “and this one after the bloody chip.”
Oh, my poor William, how dare they hurt what’s mine! Would that I could have protected you as I should, but we both know that isn’t possible. You have a course to stay and regrettably your path contains more pain than is just. Forgive me, love, for not being able to prevent it or even tell you more. You are loved, my sweet, and will be loved more truly then even I could; be patient, you will find your way.
“Woman’s annoying as hell sometimes. Always knowing what’s going on and so bloody concerned about me.” He got very quiet, he’d never told anyone this, “She’s in my head ya know. That’s what she meant in that letter of yours. Sends me these dreams, before things happen.”
“You killed her.”
“Yeah, my first. Bloody bint’s been firmly lodged in my brain since. Dru told me she insisted, confronted them when they were turning me. Apparently told Angelus off but good beforehand, even had him cowering.” Spike chuckled, “Would’ve loved to’ve seen that.”
Pt 2 The Present (9/27)
Xander smiled and shared Spike’s laugh. “So let me get this straight- you’ve got your own personal gaurdian witch, who treats you like the noble hero everyone thinks Deadboy is. She stood up to Angelus for you and made sure she was your first meal, somehow managing to bond with you in the process, which, now correct me on this, but considering how powerful she was or is, virtually makes her your second Sire.”
“Never really thought about it like that.”
“Maybe you should.” Xander laid a friendly hand on Spike’s shoulder before extricating himself from the sofa and heading for the kitchen. “Want anything?”
Spike mutely shook his head.
When Xander returned, Spike seemed to be lost in thought, so when his smooth British voice broke the comperative silence Xander actually jumped.
“Why’d you say that bollocks back at the school?”
He’d half hoped Spike wouldn’t remember his little speech. *Oh, nothing Spike, I just might be in love with you and thought you needed to know what I see in you, that’s all.* Oh, yeah, that would go over fabulously. “Which particular ‘bollocks’ would you be refering to?” (And gods he’d been hanging around Giles too long.)
Blue eyes stared at him wordlessly screaming, “you know bloody well what I’m talking about.”
“Yeah, that,” he replied trying to exude calm. The minute he’d broached the subject, waves of fear started rolling off Xander and Spike honestly wasn’t trying to scare him.
Meanwhile, Xander tried to compose himself, no use getting all worked up before he knew how much trouble he was in. He swallowed hard, “Because it’s true. At least to me. And Dawn. Tara saw it too. It’s what we see and I don‘t understand why…” he trailed off not wanting to hurt his friend more.
“Why what?” The honesty in Spike’s crystal eyes was like a dagger.
Fuck it, life sucked and after that confession he was probably going to lose another of the few people he cared about. “I don’t understand why Buffy can’t see it, why she treated you like shit; I mean even before what happened. You’re a good guy.” Xander couldn’t look at him, he was too afraid of what he’d see in those haunting features.
Spike’s words were soft, the tone matter-of-fact, “I’m a demon and a killer.”
“So? It’s not all that you are. Besides, people change- even vamp people. None of us are angels, Spike.”
They stayed up a while talking before Spike ushered Xander to bed. That had been three hours ago. Three hours Spike had spent thinking. Now, he was standing in the doorway to Xander’s bedroom watching him sleep.
It wasn’t as if he hadn’t ‘thought’ about Xander before- Alyssa had seen to that. Hell, it was half the reason he’d slept with Anya, okay so maybe not HALF, but it was part of it. Then Xander had gotten so angry. It had felt like a knife in his gut- knowing that he’d caused Xander that much pain; knowing how much that meant he still loved Anya.
All that time he’d been obsessing over Buffy, but even her rejection hadn’t hurt as deeply as Xander’s anger.
Then there was Buffy. Gods, how could he have been so stupid and selfish?!
Still, after everything, Xander had come for him. It would be so easy to allow himself to love him, but if anyone deserved better it was Xander. No, none of them were angels, but to Spike’s way of thinking his Xanpet was as close to it as any mortal could be.
Things did change after that night in Xander’s apartment, but not in the ways either man had feared.
Even after getting Spike accepted back into the fold, the vamp asked to stay with Xander rather then his girls- a proposition Xander readily agreed to. The boys automatically paired off for patrol, and their trademark snark began to grow into a more friendly banter. But the real changes were back at, what was now, their apartment. It was little things at first, like Spike surreptitiously cleaning up after himself (and Xander), and Xander ‘being in the neighbourhood’ just when Spike needed more blood (and he always seemed to be there at an apropos time to get a deal on ‘the good stuff’).
More often than not, they’d spend half the night talking, their conversations ran the gambit- on occasion Spike would even divulge parts of his human past. There were only two subjects both men studiously avoided- Buffy and Anya.
Then one night it happened. Spike and Xander were sprawled on the couch when azure eyes locked with chocolate ones, “’m sorry, ya know, never meant to hurt you.”
Xander’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Spike, we’re sitting on the sofa- no hurtage involved.”
Spike sighed, seemed his pet wasn’t going to make this easy for him, “Anya, you bloody git. Didn’t do it to hurt ya.”
Snorting, *if you only knew*, “Things were messed up then,” *okay, so being state-the-obvious-guy*, “with the almost wedding and Buffy and general Hellmouthy-ness.”
“No ‘scuse, mate.” *C’mon Spike, spit it out, stop being such a bleeding ponce.* “Shoulda know how much ya wanted her back.”
*Okay Xan-man, now’s your chance tell him why it really hurt.* Sighing, Xander closed his eyes, but didn’t speak.
Pain and anxiety were radiating off his pet. *Stupid tosser, shouldn’t’a said anything, jus’ hurt him more.* “Xan, I’m sorry, I shoulda kept my big trap shut.”
Still his Xanpet didn’t answer.
Spike moved to kneel by the young man he’d given up denying he loved. “Xander? Luv? Please.” Without thinking he brushed the hair from Xander’s face.
Xander’s eyes opened at the touch. Were those tears in his vamp’s eyes? “It wasn’t Anya,” he whispered, touching a warm hand to a cool cheek as he continued, “was you.”
With the confession, Xander’s face quirked into a shy half-smile and Spike was lost.
If asked, they wouldn’t be able to say who kissed who, only that it was gentle and perfect and full of unspoken emotions.
When they broke the kiss glistening tracks trailed down Spike’s sculptured features, “Can’t do this, Pet. You deserve so much better.”
Gently, Xander cupped Spike’s face, lifting it so their eyes met, “What about what I want?”
“Shut up Bloodbreath,” and he pulled the vamp in for another searing kiss.