Title: Letters of…
Chapter: …Confession (17/27), …Hope (18/27)
Rating: PG, PG
Feedback: Mys has decided that she actually likes FB, so… constructive crit is fine, just be prepared for Mys to defend/explain her choices, and try not to do any permanent damage, k.
Disclaimer: Just playing with the pretty kittens. Unfortunately, they are not mine, but I will gladly groom and bathe them before sending them back home to Daddy (aka Joss/Mutant Enemy/et al).
Warnings/Squicks: Beware Mys’ bad writing, excessive use of alliteration, wanton use of the term "Xanpet" (though I’d stake Spike before he actually said it out loud, he and my 3rd person omnipotent think it a lot), character death (but it’s canon stuff, none of my own doing)
Summary: Take a witch, a Spike, a Xander and mix well. Add some angst, some schmoop, some sex, an apocalypse, a wee bit more angst, another helping or two of sex, and a sprinkling of bad humour. Bake for 7-8 months at @96.8 degrees (because some of us have naturally lower body temperatures than the rest of you human weirdos, lol).
His heart was trying to pound it’s way out of his chest. His breath came in ragged bursts and he was covered in sweat. He knew what was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier. There was a flash of white and he screamed.
He shot up from his sleep as he had every night since Sunnydale- breathless, cold, and alone. It was worse then after Caleb. At least then he’d had Spike to comfort him. He’d be there, gently rocking him, before the nightmares got too bad, telling him he was safe, making him feel safe, and keeping the monsters at bay.
Then Sunnydale imploded taking Spike with it.
He reached under his pillow for Alyssa’s letters. Spike had left them for him with Angel of all people. He still hadn’t read them, he hadn’t even managed to open the package, but he kept them with him always.
There was a soft knock at his door.
“Come on in Wills.”
“Oh good, you’re up.” She walked over to the bed and sat down. Studying her oldest and dearest friend, “Still having the dreams, huh?”
She rubbed his shoulder lovingly, “Only to me, Xan.”
His eye smiled at her even if his mouth couldn’t manage. “So, what brings so beautiful a woman to my bed at this time of day?”
It was good to hear Willow’s laugh; it was one of the things he missed most when he was off collecting Slayers.
“There’s someone here to see you. I could ask them to come back later, though, you look tired, and I don’t know what they want.”
Xander waved his arms in mock surrender. “Will, who is it?”
He cringed, “And what is he doing here?”
“I don’t know, honey, he insists he’ll only talk to you.”
Xander climbed out of bed, “Tell him to wait in the solerium. I’ll be down in a minute.”
“What?” He gave her his best innocent look.
“What is it Deadboy? Come to kill more of my family?” Xander asked as he entered the large dining room.
He waved him away and made for the table and more importantly the coffee. “What do you want Angel?”
“To deliver this.” The dead man pushed a worn envelop towards him.
The handwritting on the address was unmistakable. Xander took the letter and began shaking.
“Xander? Xander are you alright?”
“Go, or I’ll stake you myself!”
Angel only had a moment to register the pain in Xander’s eye before the man was in his face and screaming.
“I said go! You pathetic murdering hypocrit! Just get out!”
Having heard the commotion or more accurately having heard ‘their’ Xander’s raised voice, Willow and a handful of new Slayers appeared in the doorway.
“Get him out,” Xander hissed at the group.
The girls began to move forward when Willow stopped them. “Girls stay with Xander. Angel and I have some things to discuss.” She cocked her head- and who would have known that you could cock your head menacingly, “Don’t we?”
Angel merely nodded and stepped cautiously towards the red-headed witch.
Once the pair was in the hallway Angel spoke, “I really don’t…”
“Do you know why Xander’s so angry with you?”
The condescending look she favored him with could have frozen oceans. “You took his happiness.”
“Oh God, he thinks it should’ve been me.”
“I don’t know, but I know that seeing you reminds him that it didn’t have to be Spike.”
Back in the dining room, Xander was being fussed and cooed over by the Slayers; the girls tended to be very protective of him. It was only natural as he was the one who found most of them and made sure they got to the Council safely and he always stayed around until they were settled. To them he was the big brother who showed them the way through a world that had suddenly turned upside down.
The doors opened and Willow’s crisp voice called, “Alright ladies, let Xander breath.”
“Is he gone?” One of the more vocal girls demanded.
“No, Angel will be staying a couple of days.”
There was general displeasure at this but Willow waved them back, her eyes meeting Xander’s, “He has some personal business to settle before he leaves.”
Xander got the message loud and clear, Willow wasn’t letting either of them leave until they were on non-stake-age terms again. Well, Xander would play his part, at least as far as the Slayers went. He put on the most sincere smile he could muster, “It’s okay guys; Deadboy’s not worth your energy. Now, get out of here, Willow and I need to talk.”
There was a reluctant chorus of “yes, Xander” followed by hugs, pats, and kisses as the girls left.
When the last of the girls left, Willow broke into soft giggles.
“What?” He asked barely able to forestall Willow’s contagious laughter.
She just shook her head. “You do realize one word from you and those girls would take on Satan himself.”
“Nah, besides they’ll get over it.”
Willow moved to stand by her friend. “You should talk to him.”
“Why, so he can tell me all the evil Spike did back in the day and act like he’s all sweet and innocent?”
“No, so I don’t have to constantly worry about the two of you killing each other.”
“Oh, if that’s all, you can rest easy Wills. We won’t kill each other… we’re both too afraid of you and Buffy.”
That earned him a fist in the shoulder.
“Ow! Hey, invalid here, be nice.”
She rolled her eyes and wrapped an arm around him. “If I send him in will you at least try?”
Xander squeezed Willow close and kissed the top of her head. “Anything for you. You know that.”
Smiling up at him, she kissed his cheek, “Thanks, Xan.”
Xander was sitting at the large dining table staring morosely into his luke warm coffee when Angel returned. He took the seat across from the young man.
The awkward silence was eventually broken by Angel. “I’m truly sorry, Xander. It wasn’t my decision.”
Xander didn’t look up as he replied, “I know and I don’t think Buffy could’ve lived with killing you a second time.” Absently, he began fingering the envelop in front of him.
“Xander, I know we’ve never been on the best terms but… He was my Grandchilde, he told me about the Claim and asked that I watch over you. I swore I would. I’ll be around around for a couple days if you…”
“Yeah,” he said half-heartedly.
Taking a chance, Angel walked to Xander’s side and placed a hand on his shoulder, “I know he loved you Xander. Will never did do anything by halves.”
The sound that escaped Xander was half laugh half sob; Angel squeezed the man’s shoulder affectionately and took his leave.
Xander waited until he could no longer hear Angel’s footsteps echoing down the hall, before opening the newest of Alyssa’s letters.
Greetings Alexander, how are you, my dear? I fear you are not well and that our William is the reason. I only wish I could give you more than these words. The time since my boy’s Trials has been so cloudy, the only clear thing has been you, Alexander- your love for William.
I do not know what has happened, only that it has hurt many and saved more and I can no longer find my boy and in truth that frightens me more than seeing his death. Understand, when I say I cannot find him I am not referring to death in the obvious sense- he is somewhere, somewhere that even I cannot see, but he still is.
Do not lose hope Alexander, if it is in his or my power William will return to you. I know he is your heart, just as you are the heart of your little family. Be strong for them and for William and let them in turn be your strength.
I leave you with my blessings, my love, my gratitude, and all my hope for your and William’s future,
Morgan Alyssa Cerridlyall
He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The prospect of getting Spike back was exhilarating. He hadn’t dared think it possible, and he wasn’t at all sure he should dare now. Just because Alyssa thought he was ‘somewhere’ didn’t mean he could come back. But maybe he could allow himself to hope, just a little.